Today is my last day here in So Cal. I spent tonight with my best friend of 31 years. She has 2 kids whom I completely adore. Her 5 year old daughter is in tap and ballet and tonight was her class. I asked if I could join them and go watch her practice for her recital in a couple of weeks. I never gave it a second thought. I never expected to be overcome with feelings of complete sadness once I walked into the dance studio. I was excited to go. Her daughter was very excited that I was going to be there to watch her dance. But something happened to me when I walked in and saw all the mom's there with their little girls.
I watched as the these cute-as-a-button little girls, all dressed in their tutu's and tights, sat on the floor while their mom's put on their ballet shoes. I was the only one sitting there alone. I was the only one there without a child participating in the class. I wasn't jealous, or bitter...I was heartbroken. I started to have feelings of anxiety and could literally feel my heart pounding in my chest. I've never felt anything like that before. I felt stuck. I wanted to run out of their and go outside to get myself together , but to do that I would have needed to cross the room full of mom's with their daughters. I just sat there, hoping that nobody could tell by my face that I felt so lonely right at that moment. My friend noticed, and asked if I was ok. I couldn't stop my eyes from filling up with tears. I managed to suck it up and get through it.
I don't know why I reacted that way. I've been around plenty of children and have never been overcome with feelings like that. It caught me off guard and made me feel very vulnerable. I was angry at myself for feeling that way. I try so hard not to feel sorry for myself. I try not to attend too many pity parties that I throw for myself. But I guess we can't control how something makes us feel.
I'm doing much better now, in fact, I felt better as soon as I left that place. I just have to try to keep the faith that someday I will be one of those women.
3 comments:
i completely understand. i get that way when i'm at a baby shower or holding someone's baby. my heart aches, even my arms ache to hold my own child. don't ever feel bad for having those feelings. you need to allow yourself to cry sometimes and vent sometimes. you are well balanced, knowing that you have a wonderful life, but that you also want more. it's okay to have those moments. your time will come, though. i just know it!
This feeling is SO normal! so, so, so normal. I have to admit, I started crying reading this post, cause I've been there, God have I been there. You put it so eloquently, it isn't jealousy, it isn't bitterness, it is put HEARTBREAK. I get like that too. I do. When I see the simplest things, like you did, watching your BFF's daughter and all these Moms and daughters.
The feeling of anxiety that you felt is the most horrific feeling in the world! I hate that women with infertility are more prone to depression and anxiety.
I wrote a post on my blog too almost similar to this. It's just a feeling of what if I never...
and it is a HORRIBLE thought..and it hurts and it sucks, and I am sorry that you are feeling like this too.
Good luck tomorrow!!!
and...
someday you will be one of those women...
might not be tutus, might be baseballs and hockey pucks..but somehow I don't think you'd mind that either :)
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