As far back as I can remember, my cycle has never been "regular." I have never had a period every month. In fact, prior to being prescribed Provera, I never knew when Aunt Flo was going to pay me a visit. From the time I was very young, I would sometimes have bleeding that would last for months at a time. Yes, you read that right. MONTHS at a time. Then, I would have nothing for months. When I was around 19 years old, I went to a Dr to see if I could be put on birth control pills to regulate my cycle. It was making me crazy. During my visit, the Dr did a transvaginal ultrasound and I will never forget what she told me. Her exact words to me were, "Your eggs are dead. If you ever plan on having children, you will need surgery and that may or may not help." I'm sure you can imagine the shock I felt when she told me that. But truthfully, I was 19 years old. The furthest thing from my mind at the time was having children. I left her office with a prescription for birth control and tucked the hurtful words she said to me in the back of my mind. That was the first and last time I ever went to that Doctor. Over the course of the next several years, I often thought about what she said to me. I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to face the fact that I may not be able to have children some day...
On December 6, 2002 I went on a “first date” with the man who I would soon realize was the one true love of my life. It didn’t take long for me to become completely smitten with Sean, as he swept me off my feet. We dated only 6 months before we became engaged, and were married 9 months later on April 24, 2004. It was the fairy tale wedding that I had always dreamed about.
I have a wonderful life, an amazing husband, our dream home, the best family in the world. We have truly been blessed in so many ways. Yet even with all that we have, there remains a void in my heart. I’m not a mom. I don’t have a child that reaches up to me wanting me to pick him up. I don’t have a child that runs to me when he hurts himself and wants me to make it all better. I don’t have a child that smiles because he’s proud of the picture he’s drawn for me that only he can make sense of! Out of all the blessings Sean and I have in our lives, and there are countless, we do not share the miracle of having a child. Our child. I can only hope that someday we can share that joy together. Or, was that Dr I went to 17 years ago right? Is it possible that I will never be able to have children?
I see how Sean is with his daughter from his previous marriage. He is such a great dad. Amazing, actually. I first met his daughter when she was just barely 4 years old. She was adorable! We quickly became very close and have continued to remain that way. I’m so proud of her. She’s such an intelligent, funny, bright, kind hearted, beautiful little girl. I love her with all my heart. I would love to be able to give her a sibling! She would make such a great big sister!
So moving along to present day….Sean and I recently celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. By now, I had hoped to have one, possibly 2 children to complete our family. However, I have hit a road block and now have to face the harsh reality of infertility. Wow, that’s a tough pill to swallow. Infertility. The questions I seem to ask myself day in and day out are, why me? Why am I being punished? Why is my body failing me? Will I ever be able to experience a life growing inside me?
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