Holy Mood Altering Substance!!
I have a week of birth control pills behind me, and WOW are they playing games with my emotions. I don't recall having feelings like this when I was on birth control for IVF #1, so maybe I'm jumping the gun when I blame the pill for this. Did any of you experience crazy moods and emotions while on the pill?
My worst day was on Sunday. I felt like out of the blue I got smacked upside the head with a big, giant hormone. I started having all sorts of doubts about my upcoming cycle and feelings of "why am I even bothering with going through with it?" I lost all sense of positivity that I had, and just knew in my heart that this isn't going to work.
Then came my next irrational thought. I'm not even sure I can articulate it in any sort of intelligent way, so bare with me. I started thinking, ok, since October isn't going to work (yes, I had my mind convinced that it's not), I'm not going to go through with a January cycle. Why? Because I also had myself convinced that January will also fail, and me, being the slight control freak that I am, decided I am NOT going to let IVF decide on whether or not I would become a mom. So rather than allow another failed IVF to decide for me, I, myself, would make the decision to not have children. Because that way, it would be MY decision and I would be the one in control of my fate. Yes, I know. Completely idiotic thinking.
So here I am, a couple days later and I'm trying to snap out of this negative way of thinking. I'm usually pretty good at being positive, keeping the faith, and BELIEVING that it can happen for me, just as it has happened for many others. So why am I struggling with it now?
5 comments:
Ugh. I'm sorry to hear the BCP are messing with your head. It's probably a combination of both the hormone change and the anticipation of the cycle. As it gets closer and closer to time to stim, I am finding myself freaking out on a regular basis. "Anticipatory Stress" is what my therapist calls it, and I believe her, haha. I'm just ready to get this show on the road already!
I think as far as positive thoughts, it's only natural to have ups and downs. Just recognize those thoughts for what they are - fear - and move on from them. You have a GREAT chance of getting pregnant this cycle! There's no way you can know right now what the result will be, but it sounds like you saying it won't work is just your fear of the unknown and not being in control talking. Did that make sense? Lol. You're going to be okay. I know you'll find that positivity again. Keep working at it. Meditate if you can, be good to yourself, and don't beat yourself up if some negative thoughts squeak through.
For some reason I had a hard time with BCP too, even though I had been on them most of my adult life except when we were TTC. I don't know why but I was a mess. Just remember you don't have to be on them for long and this cycle could be the one!!!
I understand honey..I often went (and still do) go through these waves of emotion. I think it's important to let yourself feel what you are feeling. I think its all part of this awful process. It's okay to have our down days. I know you are just FULL of courage and I have no doubt that you will be a mother soon! Keep the faith dear. I love you!
This is all from the hormones, as if infertility wasn't enough to handle right? I'm usually able to stay positive and motivated, right up until around af (or after taking clomid) and then suddenly I become convinced I will be childless forever and start making lists of all the things I can do if i don't have kids. Yeah, its pathetic and until the hormones calm down it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This will pass, (hugs), so hang in there. Sending you lots of baby dust!
oh wow!! that sounds very painful!! okay...deep breath..another one! :(
I am so sorry you even have to go through this! But I think your mind is just playing games with you so you do not have to go through any pain. the mind is a powerful tool. It helps us forget or deny what we went through or paralyze us while we are going through any trauma. And really..this is very traumatic. If anyone says this is a walk in the park..they are crazy. And the crazy part is not the physical part..it is the mental part..the waiting, the sitting at appointments, being touched like a piece a meat, the going out of because of drugs during surgery, not having control of your body. The two week dredded week. That is really hard! Andrea...your thoughts are not idiotic. This is completely expected. But I would suggest..calling a friend or writing to this community right away whenever these thoughts get in your head, so they don't grow rampant and get a little too out of control. Maybe writing to yourself a letter...to calm yourself down every time the thoughts begin to come. or a song( an anthem) to motivate you. Just a few thoughts. Again..I am so sorry, and I hope you are feeling better:)
hugs
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